Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Come back with a warrant
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.