My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Optional boss fight.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.