@Thedudish

When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.

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@KenJennings

I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.

@papasuncle

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@JannaKillHimNik

What I said: let’s cuddle

What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@AmishPornStar1

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

@SIGKILL

in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter

@Steven37366100

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?