When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.