When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition