When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
You Might Also Like
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!