Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Pro tip for my good boys out there

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.