Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.