When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.