When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”