When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”