When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
You Might Also Like
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”