When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
mumsnet is amazing
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.