Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?