When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.