When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…