Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

never compromise your values

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”