When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.