When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359