As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow’s family Easter egg hunts.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]
Very little scares me. So does very big.
My wedding will be open casket.
[some dude doesn’t like me]
who gives a shit
[a cat doesn’t like me]
Poodles are just angry clouds with legs.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
*Sees dead cat on the road.
Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.