When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Smile they said.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.