Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you