When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Hang in there buddy
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
jesus, what did this guy do
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
As a doctor, I can confirm
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.