When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”