When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
📽️movie date🎞️
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough