When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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Bike for sale
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Netflix and awkward silence?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.