When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
pictures of spider-man
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
One venti cheeseburger please.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
This is my bus stop.