Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

The Weeknd is back

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling