Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

sistine chapel

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”