When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.