when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Woke up against my better judgement again
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.