when the doctor brings med students into your exam
You Might Also Like
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”