when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Worth the read.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
the #horror is real!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.