when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.