Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…