when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with