Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

But that’s none of my business

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”