When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
who’s gonna tell her?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.