My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ