When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.