Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.