When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Bed should get ready for ME
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.