When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
hardest line in real life
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head