When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.