When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need