When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
rest in peas
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT