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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Who knew!
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”