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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.