When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
#merica
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.