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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“what that mouth do?” complain
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something