When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
