When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Pigeon open mic night.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I think I’m having a stroke
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”