Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Sorry not sorry.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

pep talk

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*