Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?