100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination