When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You Might Also Like
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
is this a warning or an offer?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door