Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

wish me luck lads

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.