When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet