When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Breaking news:
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.