When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
You Might Also Like
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.