Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

And now we wait

I mean…but I did

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked