When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
is it too early for christmas memes
