When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?