Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

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sorry this might take a while…