When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat