Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.