When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
An odd boast
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.