When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.