Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.