Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

We’re all getting idioter.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄