When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*pronounces patio like ratio
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it