When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow