When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Interior design 👌
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.