When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

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I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.


Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.


I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.



Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…


I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.


Me: Wanna go out?

Her: You’re not Black

Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.

Her: …

Me: That’s not why you like them?


[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars


Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava